


Not the Same

by mhunter10



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: M/M, mhunter10
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-06
Updated: 2013-09-06
Packaged: 2017-12-25 10:43:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/952137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mhunter10/pseuds/mhunter10
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ian notices some differences in the guys he's fucked.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not the Same

If there’s one thing Ian is used to, it’s being with older men. Married men, actually, with wives and kids and baggage. Twice now, he’s been scooped up into a dance of secret passion and ersatz love, stepping through situations much too advanced for him. Although things got sticky, there was nothing he couldn’t manage, or get around. He’s more mature than the average seventeen year old, but that was a result of being a Gallagher. Yet, considering all he’s learned from them, he knows he’s no expert. But he also sees a future he does not want any part of, nor will he let himself become the other side: tempted by a free and fearless youth, such as he is now, driven to a life of hiding. With Kash and Lloyd, the feelings they had were made very clear, but they were more for what Ian represented. If there’s one thing Ian isn’t used to, it’s how different it is with Mickey.

Fear and shame were Kash’s game, but it was easy for him to show Ian what he couldn’t give to his wife. Attention, caring, playfulness and maybe even a hint of confidence. Every part of his life was about doing something he really didn’t want to do in order to make others happy, or at least temporarily satisfied. All of his issues came out through their more intimate moments, too. More than once he could be heard silently crying for giving in to what he really was; bent over physically and mentally by his true desires. He even admitted that he wished he would just wake up one day as the husband Linda thought she married. The only times he seemed to take control were when things threatened to become messier than they already were. But always his eyes reflected his need to be anyone but himself. Always the self-pity and punishment for every act outside of the acceptable.

When Kash gave him a new coat, shoes he’d wanted and cds, Ian took them because it was nice to feel like someone cared about him. Ian could see how happy it made him to be able to give what he felt to someone who wasn’t judging him or yelling at him. He liked that another person was there to solve his problem and remove some of the guilt he had. But Kash only thought that person was the boy he worked with.

Lloyd was all about running from conflict and replacing consequence with reward. He was a fan of having his cake and eating it too, so Ian easily became his sweet treat. As someone used to getting what he wanted, he had no problem giving someone else a taste of the good life. However, when it came to the increasing strain between wife and wallet, he found neither were what he needed. Lloyd was caught in literal and figurative debt. Not only did he spend money he didn’t have, but he promised marriage with love that wasn’t there. So, he ran to a world where he could still have things his way, and distract from his failures. He showed Ian charm, extravagance, luxury and even romance. Nothing could ever catch up to him and bite him on his great ass, as long as someone else was grabbing it. He was never ashamed of flaunting what he had, if it meant he could still impress.

When Lloyd bought him expensive gadgets, ordered room service and showed him the best views, Ian liked feeling special enough to be treated like he was worth it. Even though Ian didn’t care about that kind of stuff, never having a rich lifestyle, he knew it made him feel good to give things to someone who didn’t expect more than he had. He enjoyed the idea of someone being his little escape from the things he couldn’t and wouldn’t fix. But Lloyd figured that person was the redhead he was paying for.

Mickey’s deal is on another level completely, yet it’s everything he doesn’t say that speaks the loudest volumes. His is an intriguingly toxic mixture of fear, passion, confusion and everything else he’s never been able to show anyone. Everyone except Ian, who quickly gets drawn in to the new intensity of a connection beyond inner turmoil and self-loathing. He wasn’t pleading for reasons to finally man up and be who he is, or putting a trophy high on a pedestal to reflect his accomplishments. He didn’t ask for someone to be a scapegoat for screw ups or a fleeting alternative to a life of lies. Ian became, not a savior, but a chance to see that not everything had to be pain and coldness. As soon as the spark was lit inside of him, it would be impossible to get rid of, no matter how bad he got knocked around or forced between a rock and a hard place. There would be no getting rid of the notion that something like love existed.

So when Mickey steals a Swiss army knife off an unlucky victim and pushes it towards him, Ian takes it without feeling like he needs to see why he’s really being given anything at all. It’s a small trinket meant to look like an afterthought, but it says everything it’s supposed to say; nothing more, nothing less. There’s no story or additional subtext to be picked up on or analyzed for what it really is. Mickey sees that he can make someone happy, even when he’s just being himself, and he knows that person is Ian. And when his gift is compared to the tokens of misplaced emotions, it’s just not the same.


End file.
